Reasons I Hate Winter Vol. 1

Dear Ohio Drivers,

There is this awful beast that seems to sneak up on all of you and it's called snow. Why it surprises you even though it arrives roughly the same time every year is beyond me, but it's clear that you don't expect it given the 4 cars I counted in the ditch on my way home this morning.

So I'm here to help you all out. Since you seem to have forgotten or never learned how to properly drive in snowy weather. I had the advantage of getting the stupid out by landing in a ditch when I was only 16. Never had any snow-related accidents since. So let me share my wisdom with all of you.

1. No Tailgating!

Tailgating is not only annoying, but also dangerous even in normal weather. It's especially inexcusable when there are 2 other lanes by which you can go around those who are not driving to your standards of speed. However, this is something that should NEVER occur when the road is covered with snow. As high as the chances are of you rear-ending the person in front of you in normal driving conditions, those chances increase by 973% with snow on the road. Back off.

2. Use Your Turn Signal.

If everyone followed #1, this wouldn't be quite as urgent. However, even when one gives the proper distance to the car in front of them, if they stop suddenly or even slow down a little to fast with no indicator to the person in front of them that they are slowing down to turn, rear-endage is likely. Personally, I believe turn signals should ALWAYS be used when one is turning, but I understand that some people can't be bothered to flip that little lever 2 inches.

3. Don't Drive Normally

Here's a little hint: if you're not sure what lane you're in or if you're even in a lane because the road is completely covered in snow and/or ice, you shouldn't be driving 80 mph. I don't care if you have 4 wheel drive. I don't care if you have the most winterized snow-crushing vehicle ever created, you're still dangerous. You can still slip and slide and fishtail and completely lose control of your vehicle. If you don't believe me, watch the Top Gear North Pole Special. You can also observe the fact that about 80% of the cars lying in a ditch are big-ass trucks or SUVs that are probably morons that think they can drive normally simply because they have 4 wheel drive. 4 wheel drive does not equal invincible.

4. Don't Drive Like A Grandma.

I learned today that most accidents on a highway are the result of #3 and #4 meeting. No, you shouldn't be barreling down the road at a high speed, but you also shouldn't be getting passed by Frosty the Snowman walking down the interstate. If you can get out of your car and walk faster than you're driving, then you should do just that. Leave the car at home and walk. You could be saving lives. And if neither of these things sound appealing...

5. Stay Home!

If you can't handle driving in inclement weather, then don't do it. Unless you are absolutely required to either go to work, take someone to a hospital, or get food because you're totally out and your only option is to start eating the cat, whatever you think you need to do can wait till the roads are clear. Getting cookies and milk to enjoy by the fire while you're stuck at home, although urgent, is not reason to go out into the white death. Stay home. Save lives.

Follow these few rules, and winter will be just a wee bit more bearable and old PirateGeek will appreciate it.

Peace!