A Letter To Myself, Vol. 1

So...I've had something weighing me down lately, and I thought I'd put it on this blog in the form of a letter...to myself because I have a tendency to go back and read old blog posts on a regular basis. I even read my oldest existing blog that ran from 2004 to 2007 (age 20 to 23). It's quite comical at times, even when I was trying to be profound and sincere. Anyway, since I'm thinking this might actually be something that occurs on a regular basis, I added the Vol. 1 to it.

Dear Self,

It has come to my attention recently that you have put on some weight, and I thought it was high time I address this issue with you. You need to stop. Now. You and Hubby are already planning on starting a big push to get on the healthy wagon over Winter Break. Awesome, you better not crap out even if he does, and I'm going to tell you why.

First, the negative aspects of being a Staypuft Marshmallow Woman:

You feel sick pretty much all the time. Although some will STILL accuse you of being pregnant, it's really just because you're eating crap and not exercising at all, so all that junk just hangs out in your system and makes you feel like ickypoo.

You feel fat. The positive side to this is that you actually don't look nearly as fat as you feel, but when you feel like this:

That really isn't all that great of an accomplishment.

Hardly any of your clothes fit anymore. You have one pair of jeans that has a big hole in the crotch, a pair of khakis that makes you feel like you're being squeezed out of one of those tubes of cookie dough. MMmmmm. Cookies. You also have some really cool t-shirts that are getting way too tight, like that Cookie Monster t-shirt that you can't really wear anymore. Stop expanding, or you'll lose the cool wardrobe you've built up.

Now, on to the positives of losing the weight.

You'll feel better. Aside from the few weeks earlier this quarter when you nearly turned into a lunatic thanks to a bout with insomnia, you always feel so much better when you're eating well and working out. Even if you still look like a tub, at least you don't feel it after swimming 20 laps.

You'll look better. Once upon a time, even you thought you looked good:

Woops. A little too far in the way back machine.

There. You were a sexy little thing. You were healthy. You could go through a volleyball practice, run 10 suicides, lift weights, go play a game of impromptu softball, and still feel pretty good. Now, stairs are your nemesis. Lucky for you, God blessed you with a wonderful husband who still thinks you're sexy even if you do look like a relative of Jabba the Hut, but if you looked like this again, he will be your slave. You can even dress him up appropriately:

Yeah...Slave Hubby.

Now, inevitably, there will come a time when hitting the gym 5 times a week will legitimately be too much in addition to full time job, school, student teaching, etc. Usually you stupidly take this as an opportunity to just totally check out of the healthy rehab and relapse into eating whatever the hell you want just because you can't make it to the gym. This logic is just a little bit flawed. This logic is what makes you fat. So, here is some motivation to at least continue to eat healthy in the form of some yummy healthy foods with visuals:

Grapes.

Mmmmm. You LOVE grapes, and they're so easy and convenient and juicy and yummy. Buy a big bag, tear of a small bunch and shove them in your lunch box. Pretty easy.

Bananas.

Mmmm bananas. Not only are they yummy and healthy, but they also help settle your stomach if you do start feeling icky. Keep some of these on hand at all times.

Mini Babybel Cheese

You just recently discovered this, but you love it. Cut of little pieces and put them on yummy crackers.

Steve-o's Healthy Popcorn

Popcorn popped the old fashioned way using olive oil, then seasoned with sea salt and garlic salt. This stuff is SOOOO delicious and way cheaper than microwave popcorn.

Water

Ok, so you're not that crazy about water, but let me tell you, you feel SO much better when you drink water as opposed to pop. The heartburn quotient drops drastically. That whole line of fire in your esophagus thing REALLY sucks.

Turkey

Who doesn't love turkey? The key here is though, get the good stuff from the deli counter. The kind that tastes like you're eating Thanksgiving leftovers. Yeah, that stuff. You never eat all of the crappy turkey, so it's worth the extra money.



So there you are, self. All the reasons why you need to get off your lazy, blobbish butt and get moving. Enjoy the holidays though. No need to take it too far. ;)

Word to your mutha (Hi Mom!),

Me

P.S. I know people are reading. Feel free to leave comments even if you want to tell me the blog sucks. And if that is how you feel about it, well...I'm like rubber and you're like glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. :P