Goals for 2014, 2013 in Review, and All That

Yeah, I went like four months without a peep. My bad. Here's the thing, though. I'm starting to realize that I don't blog because it means I kind of have to face myself, and I've spent the better part of the last year doing everything I can to avoid doing just that. I avoid mirrors and photos of myself at all costs. I avoided really addressing my physical health, my mental state, my shortcomings, and most of all, my failures. I would like to just say "no mas" to that right now, but that's an unrealistic expectation. So instead, I'm going to put forth my relatively realistic goals for 2014 with commentary. And these are goals...not resolutions. Resolutions are something you start trying to do on January first and as soon as you fall short, you've failed. Goals are something you work towards until you reach it or give up on it. So here are my goals for 2014:

1. Take better care of myself.

I'm fat. I'm fatter than I've ever been in my life. I'm horribly out of shape to the point that walking more than, say, 50 feet forces me out of breath. I'm depressed. I have a horribly negative view of myself. None of this is a good thing, and it has become wildly apparent to me in recent weeks that I have to change it not just for me, but for my husband, my family, my friends, and perhaps even my students. How will I achieve this goal? I don't yet know. I mean...I know that I need to eat right and exercise, but there's a multitude of methods of doing that, and there's so much more to it as well. I guess the most important thing I need to do is to force the idea into my head that I'm worth the effort to fix myself. I feel like there are things that God wants to do with me that I'm ill equipped for in so many ways, and so I hope, with His guidance, I can remedy that problem in whatever way I need to.

2. Be a better wife.

I don't think I'm a terrible wife, and I'm pretty sure Hubby would never say that I am. However, I can be a better one, and he deserves a better wife. Of course, #1 is heavily tied into this one. Maybe if I hate myself less, it will be easier for me to love others.

3. Be a better everything else - daughter, niece, cousin, friend, teacher, etc. 

When I look at my relationships or roles in life, one of two things is usually true: I either half-ass it, or I pour so much into it to my own detriment which means everything I do suffers along with me. I need to not do either of those things. I need to take on those relationships fully without overdoing it.

4. Write more.

It's therapeutic, yet terrifying, but I always feel a bit of weight lifted when I do it. It doesn't really matter to me what or how I write, I just need to write. I can blog here. I can write in my journal. I can write my second crappy novel. Whatever. I just need to write. I spend too much time just swimming around in my own head. It needs an occasional purge.

5. Cross some things off my bucket list.

Fortunately, I know this is going to happen because a few things on my bucket list are related to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and we already have a summer vacay there booked. To say I'm excited would be a vast understatement. I will be a complete and utter nerd, and I do not care. I might embarrass my husband, but for this one week, I will not care. Life's too short to not totally geek out about the things you love. That should be added to that one yuppy quote thingy that people hang in their living rooms...you know...this one.

I would add "Geek out like you don't give a crap if anyone is watching you." Word.

6. Garden.

This is a bold goal for me given my tendencies toward laziness, but we finally have the space for it. If I want to eat healthy, having my food growing in my back yard will certainly make it easier. So in a way, having my own garden feeds my laziness. Want to make some salsa? Ehh, I don't feel like going to the store. If I have a garden, I can just walk to my back yard and grab what I need. Voila. Gardening is the lazy man's grocery store. Or something. My logic might be a just a wee bit flawed here.

7. Fail.

This is without a doubt the most difficult goal to set for myself. I'm sure most people think, "Why? Failing is easy! Anyone can fail at something!" No. Not me. At least not gracefully. For most of my adult life, my two biggest fears were dying alone and failure (also snakes, but they're in a close third). I don't fear dying alone much anymore because I have a husband who is just as stubborn as I am. In other words, we both refuse to let our marriage fail. However, I do still fear failure more than words could ever quantify. It's the reason why I've been in such a downward spiral for so long. I believe I'm a failure because I still don't have a full time teaching job. Teaching is tied into my self worth far more than it should be, and I know that. At the same time, though, it has legitimately skewed my perception on pretty much everything simply because I'm so afraid of failure that I would rather just ignore almost everything in my life. That doesn't solve diddly squat. So I'm putting failure in my list of goals because I need to learn how to fail. I need to learn that I'm not perfect and never will be. I need to learn that my idea of failure does not line up with God's idea of failure. What I see as failure is probably just barely a blip on His radar of my life. Meanwhile, there are a lot of things that he might legitimately see as a failure on my part that's barely been a blip on my radar which leads us to...

8. Be more like Jesus.

Here's the deal. He might make a lot of people uncomfortable, but Jesus was the Man. He loved people. All people. He loved the prostitutes and tax collectors. In fact, you could say that he loved those people more than the religious leaders of his day. If Jesus were here today, you probably wouldn't find him in a church - at least not one in America. You'd probably find him walking the streets downtown hanging out with the people that everyone else looks down on - the homeless, the drunks, the druggies. That's what I love about Jesus. He loved/s the people that most don't think deserve to be loved by anyone. He didn't stand on a street corner with a giant sign telling everyone why they're all going to hell, but he also wasn't afraid to speak the truth to someone, call them out, and tell them to sin no more (See: John 4). That's awesome. I want to be like that. I want to love people. I want to speak truth. I want to stand up for what's right and not just what I think is right. You want to see someone who's living a life that shows Jesus? Check out Pope Francis. I'm not normally a huge fan of the catholic church, but that dude is shaking things up. The thing about this is...I will inevitably fail. I'm not Jesus. I cannot live up to that standard, but the best part is that I don't have to. Also, it will accomplish #7.

I know this wasn't funny. I don't care. The people I admire the most in writing are the people who are open and honest about their lives. Three of my favorite bloggers are Jenn Yates (Cake Wrecks and Epbot), Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess), and Allie Brosh (Hyperbole and a Half). Those three ladies are hilarious and have provided me with hundreds of laughs. They also all suffer from depression and/or anxiety and write about it. I feel like if I didn't get honest about what's really going on in my life sometimes, my writing would be crap. Fake. Bogus. I'm not about that. So here's hoping that purging all of this will clear up some mind space for my usual hilarity. I like being funny. I like making people laugh and smile, but a fake PirateGeek is not a laugh out loud hilarious PirateGeek. It's more of a quick exhale through my nose kind of laugh sort of funny PirateGeek. Lame.